


Breathe Again

by canadianshipper



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, nico's past, thoughts of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 19:19:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18058502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadianshipper/pseuds/canadianshipper
Summary: “It’s not that easy.” She cried. “Whenever I close my eyes.. I see him. His hands.”Hands.“They were all over me.”Everywhere.//After an assault victim comes to the hospital, Nico finds himself trapped in his past.





	Breathe Again

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I really want to let it known that this fanfic deals with the topic of sexual assault. If this is a topic for you that is difficult, I suggest not reading this fic. Know that you're not alone in what you've been through, and your trauma does NOT define you. xoxo

A small figure was standing beyond the trees, spreading out as far as the eye could see. It was almost like the world had been taken over by nature, and nothing else existed. The sun sat in the clear, blue sky, shining over top everything that Nico could lay his eyes on. The moisture on the leaves coming alive, reflecting the bright light. The small figure started to walk closer, his body naked. His body was smooth, shining as bright as the sun. The face was unrecognizable. But they were crying. Tears were streaming down their face as they walked closer. 

The figure touched his hand. Nico pulled away and stumbled backwards. He closed his eyes, but felt the figure creeping closer and closer. 

“Nico.” The voice said. They sounded young. Nico opened his eyes, but was met with nothing. Just the clear, blue sky again. Clouds started to form. Big, black clouds that contained heavy rain. The rain was almost immediate, it drenched Nico. He fell onto his back. 

The grass underneath Nico started to wilt, and dirt came up around his body. The dirt quickly turned into mud from the rain. Mud, swallowing Nico whole. It turned into a sinkhole. Nico sank down, trying to grab onto anything that could help him. But nothing. 

Right before he fully sank, as his hand was the only thing above ground, another hand grabbed onto his, pulling him up. “Nico!” 

Drenched in sweat, Nico rose from his bed with heavy breaths escaping him. He looked around. He was in his bedroom, not the forest. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t. He was okay. Nico swallowed a breath and checked the spot beside him. His fiance laid beside him, fast asleep. Levi. Perfect, perfect Levi. Levi Schmitt, soon to be Schmitt-Kim. His hair was messy, strands falling around his unshaven face. His torso was naked, and had small, purple markings from the night before. Nico felt his lips curl up into a smile as he stared at the beautiful man laying in front of him. 

He leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss on Levi’s forehead. Nico was so smitten for this man, and there was nothing anyone could say or do that would make him any less in love. He lifted himself up off the mattress, noticing the sweat drenched pillow, and walked himself to the bathroom. He turned the nozzles of the sink, cold water coming out from the tap. He filled his hands with the cold water, and wet his face with it. Nico reached over for a cloth to pat his face dry, and finally looked up into the mirror. 

God, he’s certainly looked better before. 

He chewed his lower lip, his dreams coming back to mind. What had it meant? Who was that small figure? It could’ve been Levi, but it didn’t sound like him. It sounded like a boy. A young boy. Somebody Nico had never met before. Nico didn’t regularly have bad dreams, in fact, lately his only dreams were about Levi or the hospital. Nothing like this had happened to him. A dream so crazy that it forced Nico awake, covered in sweat, on the verge of hyperventilation. He shook his head, the wet strands of his hair splattering water everywhere. 

“Hey.” Nico looked over and saw Levi, leaning against the door frame. He wore only a pair of boxers, and he looked good. “You weren’t in bed when I woke up.” He walked closer to Nico and put a hand on his back. “Everything okay?” 

Nico dawned a small smile on his cheeks and leaned forward to kiss Levi. “Yeah. Just had a bad dream. Don’t worry about me.” Nico winked and went back to the mirror. 

The younger man swatted Nico on the chest lightly, and scoffed. “Don’t worry about you? A. I have severe anxiety issues, I worry about everything. B. I’m marrying you. It’ll be my job to worry about you. C. Shut up, and let me be the nurturing one.” He grabbed Nico’s hands and dragged him to the edge of the tub. They both sat. “Tell me about your dream.” 

He was about to, he really was, but suddenly it was like it all disappeared. That’s the shitty thing about dreams. They don’t really last that long, you only have vague, blurry spots that you remember, and they don’t make a lick of sense. 

“I was in a forest, and there was a kid.. I think. And I drowned.” Nico mumbled out, the memory still not fully coming back to him. He looked up at Levi, who had such a look of concern on his face. “I’ll get over it. Let's go back to bed.” 

“Are you sure?” Levi put his hand on Nico’s shoulder, soothingly. His thumb stroked the muscle. Nico nodded, and stood up, taking Levi’s hands in his. “Alright.” They both started walking back toward the bedroom, Levi reached the bed first, laying right in the middle, his body sprawled out. “Let me help you fall asleep.” 

Nico smirked and climbed overtop Levi, pressing kisses along his fiance’s chest. “Gladly.” 

[THE NEXT MORNING]

A young boy sat on a hospital bed with his arm stuck out in front of him. He had tears streaming down his cheeks and blood splattered on his cheeks. He’d fallen down at the fair, tripped getting up on a ride or something, and landed badly on his arm. It was broken in two places, and right now, Nico was trying his best to comfort him and give the sedatives, but with him squirming around the way he was, it was hard to find a viable vein. 

The mother was sat in a chair beside the bed, clearly distraught and terrified for her son. She cried whenever her son would cry, and she acted as though she was the one hurt. And maybe she was. Nico wasn’t a parent, but he knew how sympathetic some parents were. 

“Is he going to be okay?” She asked, her words choking in her throat. “I- He was fine. I looked away for two seconds and- please, tell me he’ll be okay.” She was looking into Nico’s eyes, hopeful, but also very worried. 

Nico gave her a reassuring smile. “There are two breaks in his arm, but he’ll be okay. Worst case scenario is that Dylan has to do physiotherapy. But that’s the absolute worst case.” He could see that she still wasn’t convinced, so he sighed, and reached over to take her hand. “I’m very good at my job, Mrs Murray. I know what I’m doing. Dylan will be okay.” He looked over at Dylan. “Right, Dylan? Superman, right?” 

When Dylan had first been admitted, he was wearing a superman shirt, and spoke very highly of his favorite superhero. From Nico’s years of being a doctor, he knew the one thing you needed to do with the children, is to create a bond. Make the child comfortable, because a scared kid is the worst thing for a peds doctor. 

“Superman!” Dylan repeated, a smile cracking through the tears. “Mommy, I’m Superman!” He shouted, now grinning from ear to ear. His mother nodded and smiled, silently thanking Nico. 

“Kim! Hey! Over here, we need an extra set of hands!” Atticus Lincoln shouted as he ran through the pit, a gurney rolling beside him. He was joined by Owen Hunt, Jackson Avery, Amelia Shepherd and Taryn Helm. 

Nico looked at the intern who had been assisting him. “Can you take over?” He asked, already getting ready to move. 

“Of course. Go!” The intern nodded. 

Nico rushed over to follow the other doctors into a more private room. He trailed behind, taking a look at the patient. A young girl laid on the gurney. Her face was beaten and bruised, and blood was staining her clothes. The left side of her head was drenched in blood, her hair being stuck in the mess.

“God. What do we have?” 

The doctors spread out, reaching their positions. “Nicole Martin. 13 years old. Mother called 911 when her husband started beating their daughter up with a baseball bat.” Jackson answered, unwrapping the bandage on Nicole’s left arm. There was a large gash on her forearm. 

“What kind of parent does this?” Helm asked to herself, shaking her head. “People are sick.” She moved down Nicole’s body, noticing a pool of blood at the bottom of her shirt. “Uh, Hunt?” 

Dr Hunt moved to where Helm was, noticing the blood himself. He looked at the doctors, and then back at the young girl. He almost looked afraid of what he’d find. “Jesus.” He sighed. He took a pair of medical scissors and cut the shirt. 

“Is there a source?” Lincoln asked, sharing a knowing look with Amelia. “Please. Let there be a source.” He muttered that last part to himself. 

Owen looked around at everybody and shook his head. “Not on her stomach. God. Page OB.” 

Nico hardly had any time to think before another woman walked into the room. She was wearing pink scrubs and had her hair tucked away in a bun. “Alright, Hunt. Catch me up.” 

As Owen explained the situation, Nico checked out the whole room. Amelia Shepherd was shining a light into the girls eyes, determining whether or not there was damage to the brain. Jackson was stitching up small cuts around her arms and legs, and Taryn assisted Link on checking over her arms and legs. 

The OB doctor that Nico knew as Kelsey put her gloves on and shoved past Hunt to take a look at this girls abdomen. The bleeding had stopped, but there was something more serious going on with her. “I’m going to do a pelvic exam. Shepard, you can stay, but everybody else.. You’re not needed right now. You can wait in the hall.” 

“With all due respect, we only have a small window of time-” Hunt started, but got interrupted by Kelsey.

“Look, Hunt. You and I both know that this girl has been through enough. I’m trying to preserve her dignity. Please, let me do what I need to do.” She spoke softly. 

Owen nodded and left the room, the other doctors following suit. Lincoln started pacing, his face coloured with a stern look. Nico excused himself to find Dylan and his mother again, finding himself too flustered to stand still for much longer. 

[LATER]

Nico hadn’t been paged to be part of the operation. Not at first, at least. They needed to stop any internal bleeding they found first. He still wasn’t 100% sure why they’d paged OB, but he knew better than to ask any questions. He had ideas in his mind, but making assumptions wasn’t necessarily his strong side. 

When Nico found himself scrubbing in to do ortho work with Lincoln, he started to realize that the situation was a lot more intense than he’d first realized. Lincoln walked in to scrub in as well, his face still angry and frustrated. 

He slammed his hands on the edge of the sink and sighed, shaking his head as he stared at the ground. “Some people make me sick.” He muttered. “God, how can someone.. I don’t understand. Nothing about this makes sense to me.” 

Nico didn’t know what to say. So he let his friend blow of whatever steam he needed to. “We’ll fix her arm. We’ll put her on watch, so her father can’t come into her room. Whatever it takes.” Nico said as he finished scrubbing his arms. 

Link looked at him like he had two heads. “Her arm? We’re repairing her broken pelvis.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I forgot, you were with Dylan Murray.” When he reopened his eyes, it almost seemed like a glimmer of tears was forming. “Her father didn’t just beat her. He raped her.” Link spoke so softly that it was almost impossible to catch what he was saying. But Nico caught it. “She's thirteen.” Link turned off the sink and started walking toward the operating room. 

Nico felt like he couldn’t move. Like he was frozen. Like he was in that sinkhole again, and no matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t get free. And nobody was reaching their hands out. Nobody was ready to save him. His mouth felt dry and his eyes wet. He felt cold, like his heart fell to the bottom of his stomach, but also simultaneously, was caught in his throat. 

“You ready?” Link asked, but got no answer on response. He sighed and moved back in front of Nico. “Wow. Dude. Hey, Nico.” He put his hands on Nico’s shoulders, but was met with Nico pushing him away. 

That’s when Nico broke out of whatever trance he was in. He blinked a couple of times and looked back at Lincoln, who was slumped against the wall. He didn’t seem mad, just concerned. He walked closer to Nico, cautiously. “Hey man, you alright?” 

“I.. uh. Yeah. Fine.” Nico rubbed at his eyes and went back to the sinks to rescrub. Lincoln watched him, still not entirely convinced that this was the truth. 

[AFTER SURGERY- THE NEXT MORNING]

Nico stood in Nicole’s hospital room beside Lincoln, who was explaining the surgery to the young girl. She had tears running down her cheeks, overtop the bumps and bruises that were healing over. A chunk of her hair had been shaved off of her head, and there was a bandage wrapped around the wound. 

Her arm was inside a cast, and there was also a large cast wrapped around her hips. She looked like she was in so much pain. It was horrid to see. Even worse to know the real truth of why she was in the hospital. 

“Can I ask you something?” The girl asked. Lincoln glanced over at Nico and nodded, taking a seat beside her. Nico kept his hands enclosed in front of him as he watched the both of them. “My dad.. He.. well, you know.. Why did he do this?” Her lower lip was quivering. “I’m his daughter, how could he.. I mean, why would he want to do that?” 

Link took her hand in his. “You don’t have to worry about him anymore.” 

“It’s not that easy.” She cried. “Whenever I close my eyes.. I see him. His hands.” 

Hands.

“They were all over me.” 

Everywhere.

“A-and.. It was like I froze. I couldn’t stop him.”

Won’t stop.

“It’s like I can still feel him.” 

Nico could feel his breaths become more shallow. He broke out into a sweat and he listened to how Nicole described her assault.

“I didn’t say no. Was it my fault?” She started weeping even harder now. 

“Excuse me.” Nico said, and then promptly left the room. At first, he walked at a normal speed, but quickly broke into fast walking, then running, and then he found himself sprinting down the hallway to find an empty on-call room, or a storage closet. Anything. 

He opened the door to a random storage closet and slammed it shut behind him. As he faced the closed door, he pressed his forehead against the wood. Thoughts swarmed him. Making him dizzy. His eyes welled up with tears, and his hands turned to fists. Letting out a sound of anguish, he punched the door. 

This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not here. He was half convinced he’d never have to think about it again, but he was. It was all that he could think of. 

Laying in his bed. 

Hands, not his own, caressing his chest. 

Feeling him.  
Exploring him. 

Slipping into the front of his pyjama pants. 

Holding him where nobody had ever before. 

He was only eleven. 

His anger was all he could feel at that moment. He took a few steps away from the door and grabbed onto one of the storage racks. On top were various bins containing medical supplies. He cried out again in anger, his hand collided with the bins, sending them flying across the room. 

“Hey, man, what the hell are you-” Link started as he walked into the storage closet, but soon stopped himself as he looked at the picture in front of him. Nico was leaning against the far wall, tears cascading down his cheeks. His face red and hot with anger. The scattered gauze packages and tubes all over the ground. Link carefully stepped overtop of them and walked over to Nico. “Hey, Nico, take a breath.” 

Nico shook his head, taking shallow breaths, not allowing himself to listen to reason. Everything in his head was on fire. His face was pale, and his eyes were dark. The man next to him cautiously stepped closer and reached out. “Come on, Nico. Deep breath.” 

Nico looked up and saw the same look of worry on Lincoln's face that he’d seen earlier. It all came pouring out. Nico finally acknowledged the mess around him and broke. He fell onto the ground and began crying, not angry tears this time. He was distraught. He was sad.

Lincoln sat beside him, saying nothing, letting his best friend wallow in whatever pain he was feeling. Of course, he had no idea why Nico was acting this way, but he was there for him. No matter what, because Nico had always been there for him. It’s what best friends do. 

[LATER]

When Nico finally got home that night, he knew Levi would be waiting for him. With their schedules being the way they were, they hadn’t seen each other since Nico’s nightmare a couple of nights ago. It was hard, not seeing his fiance all the time, but it was the job. It was what he’d signed up to do, and although it was hard, it was worth it. It had to be. 

The scent of freshly made pasta made its way into Nico’s nose, and he smiled at the comfort of knowing Levi had made dinner. If he hadn’t, Nico was going to suggest ordering takeout, so this was probably better. 

“Levi?” Nico called out, hanging his coat up, and kicking off his shoes. He set his bag down and made his way through the apartment. 

“I’m in the kitchen!” Levi shouted back. “But, uh, wait!” 

Nico stopped in his tracks. He almost started laughing at how frantic Levi sounded, but held it back. However, when Levi walked out covered in flour and tomato sauce, it was fair game. Nico couldn’t hold it back this time. He started snickering at the sight in front of him. 

“Don’t laugh!” Levi said, breaking into laughter himself. “I tried. But we both know that you’re the chef in this relationship.” 

“You look cute.” Nico put his hands on Levi’s waist and pulled him closer. He swiped his finger on Levi’s cheek, collecting the sauce that had landed there. Shoving his finger in his mouth, he tasted the sauce that Levi was preparing. Nico made an over exaggerated moaning noise and rolled his eyes back into his head. “Babe. That’s fucking delicious.” 

Levi wrapped his own arms around Nico’s shoulders and kissed him soft. “I love you, I do, but it's a good thing you’re a doctor and not an actor because I did not buy a single word of that.” 

“Jokes on you, I won the drama award in high school. So, there.” Nico leaned closer, wanting to kiss his fiance. “You know what I wanna do right now?” Nico whispered as his hands inched lower and lower, closer to Levi’s crotch. Levi took a deep breath but didn’t say anything. “I want to..” He put his mouth to Levi’s ear. “Eat dinner.” 

Levi groaned and pushed Nico away, flipping him off. “Don’t do that.” He started walking toward the kitchen, and that’s when Nico saw the true sight. There was flour covering Levi’s entire backside, particles flying off whenever he took a step. 

[AFTER DINNER]

Nico scrubbed at a pan, getting the remnants of the cheesy bread off of it. It proved to be a task, however, as he’d been scrubbing for 2 minutes now. Levi either didn’t know that non-stick spray was a thing, or he just didn’t care. He was a wild man. 

He decided to give up on the pan, and let it “soak”, as Levi liked to say. Nico reached into the water, but soon retracted with a yell of pain. His hand lifted up, and under the suds, he saw blood dripping out of his finger. There must’ve been a knife in the water. 

He stared at the dripping blood. Every medical thought in his mind had vanished. He started thinking about everything that day had brought to him. It was almost as if he couldn’t think of anything else right now. 

He imagined Nicole. Sitting in her hospital room. He imagined her going through the legal system, getting her father arrested. He imagined her father feeling victorious. Thinking he’d managed to get off scot free without any repercussions to his actions. 

He imagined the woman. The one who’d snuck into his room that night and.. He couldn’t stop thinking of her. Couldn’t see anything but her face. Her blushed up cheeks, her curly, dark hair, her bright red lipstick and bright blue eyeshadow. The smell of wine on her breath. How cold her hands were. 

“Nico!” 

He looked over at Levi, who looked like he’d seen a ghost. Then back at his hand. Okay. He was bleeding a lot. “Shit.” He mumbled. 

“What happened?!” Levi rushed over to him and grabbed a paper towel, sopping up the dripping blood. “Nico, what the hell happened?”

“I didn’t see the knife.” Nico shrugged, planting a fake smile on his face. “I’m okay, babe. Really.” 

Levi furrowed his brows and removed the paper towel. The cut wasn’t all that bad, in reality. It wouldn’t need stitches, just a bandage would suffice. “Hold this.” Levi huffed at Nico and left the room, leaving him to tend to his own wound. 

How’d he let it get that bad? What the hell was he thinking? He wasn’t invincible. He wasn’t Superman. No matter what he said to the kids at the hospital, Superman wasn’t real, and neither were super powers. Nobody was invincible, nobody was immortal. 

When Levi came back, he had a box of bandages in his hand. He glared at Nico as he applied to bandage, and a cotton ball, to his finger. “There.” He threw the box of bandages on the table and put his hands on his hips. “Why were you just standing there? You were just.. Staring at it.. I don't get- Nico. What the hell?” Levi stumbled through his words. “What if it was a lot worse? You could’ve passed out, hit your head, and then died from a brain bleed. That’s not something you want, is it Nico? Nico!” Levi snapped his finger to drag Nico back into the conversation. 

“Oh, come on. It’s not that big of a deal! You get paper cuts all the time!” Nico laughed and walked out of the kitchen, Levi trailing behind him. 

“Yeah, but I don’t stare at my blood like a crazy person.” Levi shouted back. “Where are you going?” 

Nico turned around and put his hands on Levi’s waist. “Ever since the ambulance, you should know that I make stupid decisions that could get me hurt. I work at Grey Sloan Memorial, for God’s sake. I’m fine.” He leaned closer and kissed Levi’s cheek. “Really. All good.” 

Levi sighed and nodded, wrapping his arms around Nico’s shoulders. “I worry about you.” 

“And I worry about you too, but.. Right now, in this moment, I’m okay. And I’ve really missed my fiance, so could we go to bed?” Nico played with the waistband of Levi’s pants, causing the younger man to suck in a deep breath. 

In a matter of seconds, both men discarded their clothing and found themselves in the bed. Nico kissed at Levi’s neck, causing small whimpers to come from his body. “What do you want me to do tonight?” Nico whispered in a deep voice. 

Levi took a couple of seconds to figure that out, usually he’d have an idea of what he wanted, but tonight.. He really needed to look at his options. That is, until a devilish smirk crept up onto his face. “Lay back. I’m in control tonight.” He pushed at Nico’s chest so that the older man could lay on his back. “And besides.. You’re injured. You can’t exert yourself too much, now can you?” Levi straddled Nico’s waist, still in his boxers. 

He planted his hands on Nico’s chest and leaned forward to kiss his neck. Nico sighed in pleasure, his mind finally focusing on something other than his own personal issues. All that he could think of right now was the man on top of him. The way his hands moved. The way his small hips ground into Nico’s. The way his lips planted soft kisses on his chest. The soft moans that came out. 

But, before Nico could do anything to stop it, Levi quickly moved off of his waist and scooted down to his waist. He slipped his hand inside of Nico’s boxers, wanting to get this going already. He wrapped his hand around, and- 

Hands. 

Touching him. 

Curling around him. 

It felt wrong. 

Nico looked back at Levi, but didn’t see his fiance. Didn’t see the short, stubbled man who he loved. He saw her. The piercing eyes. He could smell the wine. Perfume. It smelled like flowers, which would usually be nice, but it was anything but. 

“You like that?” Levi whispered into Nico’s ear. 

But it wasn’t Levi’s voice. 

“Babe?” Levi asked, a genuine look of concern planted on his face. He removed his hand and put both of them on Nico’s face. Nico closed his eyes tight, and then looked back at his fiance. He was back. He could see Levi again. “Nico, what’s going on?” 

Nico sat up, taking Levi with him, and rubbed at his eyes. “I.. Uh. I’m okay. Sorry. Maybe I lost more blood than I thought.” He planted on a smile, which he knew Levi could see right through. “Here. Let me make it up to you.” He flipped them around, and laid on top of Levi. He leaned forward to kiss him, but it was rejected.

Levi pushed him away by his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Is everything okay?” 

“Of course.” Nico forced another smile, and surged forward to kiss Levi’s neck. It managed to shut Levi up until those small hands started creeping up Nico’s hips again. That feeling returned again. The pit in his stomach. The feel of bile coming up his throat. The tears stinging the corners of his eyes. But he kept going. Kept kissing Levi. Anything to shut him up and keep this going. He kissed his way down Levi’s chest until he was face to face with the waistband of his boxers. 

“Wait,” Levi scooted his legs up and sat on them, in a kneeling position. Nico sighed and crawled forward, putting his hands on Levi’s shoulders. “Please, don’t, Nico. Can we talk?” 

Nico shook his head and crossed his legs. “I don't- Can we not talk about it? I’m alright. Really.” He tried kissing Levi again, but was rejected once more. It was starting to get to Nico. “I can’t talk about it.” He closed his eyes and whispered. “I can’t, so can we.. can we move on?” His voice cracked, and suddenly he realized just how exposed he was. 

“Nico-”

The older man lifted himself off of the bed, scoffing. He grabbed his clothes and started redressing himself. “You know what, you’re right.” He turned around, not wanting to cry in front of Levi. “I’m gonna go for a walk. Clear my head.” 

Levi shuffled off of the bed. “I can come with you-”

“No.” Nico said, a bit too heavy. Sighing, he kissed Levi on the head and looked into his eyes. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t wait up.” 

The walk turned into a trip to Joe’s. An hour after sitting at the bar, drinking beer after beer, Nico started feeling drunk. He felt free. He was floating on air. If he was being honest, this was the best he felt all week. Beer distracted him. Let him get away from the stress. Once he got around to his fifth beer, he had almost forgotten why he’d needed a drink in the first place. 

As he chugged it down, he heard hollering from a group of women behind him. He turned his head and saw the 40 or so year old ladies, cheering around a cupcake with a sparkler in the middle of it. They were clearly all very drunk, celebrating one of their birthdays. The one lady in the middle wore a cheetah print tank top, with a leader jacket on top. Her hair was curled and fluffed to the max, and her makeup was very clearly experimental. And as Nico watched them, he realized his eyes were on them for two seconds too long. 

One of the ladies, who wore a bright purple dress, stood up and stumbled over to Nico. She sat in the barstool beside him. “Two strawberry daiquiris.” She said to the bartender. Her Jersey accent was thick through her words. “Name’s Florence.” Florence reached her hand out to shake Nico’s. 

Nico nodded and shook her hand. “Nico.” He took the beer in his hands again and drank it down. The taste was kind of bitter, but it didn’t bother Nico much. Levi, on the other hand, wasn’t much of a beer drinker. He liked mixed drinks and shots, but he only drank beer if he had to. If it was the only thing there, or if someone was offering. 

“What’s a cutie like you doin’ in a place like this?” She asked once the bartender returned with their drinks. Florence nudged one of the glasses Nico’s way and sucked through the straw in her own drink. 

“Work problems.” Nico shrugged and took a drink. It wasn’t the kind of drink he’d usually want, but it was surprisingly good. “I’m an ortho- orthopedic surgeon at Grey Sloan Memorial.” He stuttered through his words. 

Florence smirked. “Wow. A doctor. Real interesting.” She started fanning herself with her hand and winked. “What kinda problems you havin? Too much money?” She jokes, which made Nico actually laugh for the first time in the past few days. 

He shrugged his shoulders. The details a bit fuzzy right now. “A case I’m working. Bringing up.. Past problems.” That was the best way to sum it up to a complete stranger, who he had no interest in spilling his trauma to. 

“Then screw the case.” She leaned closer to him. “Why should you work on a case that ya hate?” 

“It’s not that simple.” 

“Yes it is! One time I had a problem at work, I called my boss and chewed him out, and I didn’t have to deal with it anymore!” She laughed and threw back a chug of her drink. “Course, it was cuz I got fired, but hey! I’ve never been happier. Call your boss.” 

Nico sighed. “I don’t think-”

Florence flailed her arms around, shushing Nico. “Don’t think about it. Call him. Or her. Whichever!” She pulled her phone out from her pocket and shoved it into Nico’s hands. “Here. Use my phone!” 

Usually, Nico wouldn’t be so quick to trust a stranger, or to follow their advice. But right now, Nico was drunk off of his ass and he was going through personal issues, so screw logical thinking. He took out his own phone instead of taking hers, and dialled a number.

The ringing lasted only a couple of seconds until Link answered. “Nico? What’s up, I‘m at work.” 

“I want off the case. Nicole Martin’s.” Nico said, his words slurring together. Florence was clapping her hands with a huge grin on her face. 

“Wha- Nico, are you drunk?” 

“I’m at Joe's, and yes maybe I’ve had a couple, but that doesn’t change anything, Atticus. I want off the case.” Nico was aware that he was being loud right now. But it didn’t matter to him. 

“Look, I’m at the hospital for another half hour, let’s talk about this. Sober yourself up, man.” 

Okay, now he was getting frustrated. This conversation wasn’t exactly going the way that he wanted it to. “No, look, you’re not listening to me.”

He could hear Link sigh from the other end and whisper something to another person, from wherever in the hospital he was. “I am listening, Nico, but you sound like you’ve had a bit too much to drink. Nicole needs us-”

“I can’t be on the case!” Nico shouted, standing up from his barstool. That’s when it all hit him, how drunk he was, and he nearly stumbled over. Florence was quick to catch him and sit him back down. “I just can’t be, and I’d like if you stopped pretending like what I want doesn’t matter-”

“Nico, chill out!” Link tried staying calm on the other end, but it was getting difficult. 

Nico groaned. “Oh screw you. If you’re not letting me off this case, then I quit.” With that, he hung up the phone and slammed it on the bartop. He knew Link would try and convince him otherwise and he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to listen to Link’s voice anymore. 

“Wow. That was honestly.. Pretty hot.” Florence said, her drunkenness very clear as well. She scooted her chair closer and put her hand on Nico’s knee. And that’s when Nico was reminded of why he’d been so down in the first place. Florence’s hand inched its way closer to his groin and she stroked his thigh. “You know, we should celebrate.” She pressed her lips close to his face. “It can be our little secret.” 

Little secret. 

Nico’s breath became shallow again and the tears were finding their way to the corners of his eyes. Florence kissed the shell of his ear and that’s when Nico broke. He started shouting. He didn’t know what he was yelling, but he could hear his voice raised. Screaming, maybe. Everyone in the bar was staring at him and Florence was rushing back to her friends, calling him a freak or something. He was crying, and before he knew it, was running into the mens bathroom. He shoved his way into a stall and sat on the toilet seat. He held his face in his hands and broke down. He couldn’t breathe and the tears were burning hot down his cheeks. 

The feel of bile came up his throat and he knelt in front of the toilet, dry heaving into the bowl. Nothing actually came up, but his heaving didn’t cease. He could feel his throat get sore and his body tired. His whole body was shivering and covered in sweat. His phone was going off like crazy. Probably Link or Levi, maybe Chief Karev who caught wind of Nico quitting. He ignored the calls, feeling himself slipping further and further out of reality. He was in his own mind. All he could see was her. Not Florence, but her. She wasn’t supposed to be there. In his bed with him. Putting her mouth on him. He was only a kid. He only wanted his mother. 

Nico rocked back and forth in the stall, the back of his head hitting the door every time. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there. Could’ve been minutes, or hours. But when the door of the bathroom opened, the fear struck him all over again. He couldn’t bring himself to stand up, feeling too dizzy to move. 

“Nico, you in here?” Link. He stepped closer to the stall and knocked on it. “Nico. Come out.” Nico grabbed into the toilet seat to lift himself off of the ground. He opened the door and saw the concerned look on Link’s face. He was pale, and there were clear tears in his eyes, obviously worried for his friend. “Thank God.” Link surged forward and hugged Nico. 

He could hear heavy sobs come from his own body, unaware that he’d let himself start to cry in front of Link. “I didn't mean it.” Nico cried into Link’s shoulder, holding on tight, afraid of what would happen if he let go. Time passed by without Nico realizing. And he woke up the next morning, in an apartment that wasn’t his own, afraid that he’d gone somewhere with somebody who wasn’t his fiance or best friend. 

But then he saw a picture of Link and his sister on the nightstand, and breathed a sigh of relief. His head was pounding and he felt like he’d get sick if he moved around too much. Thankfully, Link left a glass of water and ibuprofen tablets on the table as well. Nico took the tablets and drank down the water, taking a deep breath. 

“You’re awake.” 

Nico jumped at the voice and immediately regretted it. He felt the water slosh around his stomach and he held his hand over his mouth. He looked over and saw Link leaning against the door frame, already dressed and ready to get to work. “Hey. What happened last night, man?” Nico asked, getting out of the bed. He realized he was still wearing his clothes from last night. “Where’s my phone?” 

“Charging in the kitchen. Schmitt’s been calling your phone and mine since last night. I texted him, told him you’re alright. Might wanna call him back.” Link answered, crossing his arms. “As for last night.. You called me, practically quit your job, and had a panic attack in the washroom. Sit down.” 

Nico furrowed his brows but did as he was told, his head still pounding. “What’s going on?” 

“You’re not okay. This isn’t easy to say, but I think you should talk to somebody up in psyche.” Link sat beside him and, cautiously, took Nico’s hand in his. “Whatever is going on.. You don’t need to talk to me, you don’t even need to talk to Levi, but you need to talk to someone. And maybe it's not my business, I don’t know, but I’m worried.” 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to agree with Link and cry, tell him everything, tell him about the woman, and Florence, and why seeing Nicole gave him panic attacks. But he couldn’t. He shoved it down so much that he couldn’t possibly say anything. So the only thing he could do was to go along with it. Pretend he’d talk to a therapist or someone and work out his issues. But he couldn’t do that. 

So he thanked Link. He hugged him, let out a few tears, and let Link give him a ride to work. After Nico’s hangover wasn’t as prominent anymore, he managed to do a couple of consults before he was cornered in a storage closet. Levi had found him in the hallway, pulled him into the room, and locked the door. “Okay, you need to tell me now what’s going on.” Levi demanded, crossing his arms, and leaning against the door. “Please.” 

Nico could see the worry in his face, and the concern in his voice. Levi looked frail, like he’d been up all night, which Nico knew was true. Levi had tears in his eyes and bags under them as well, his forehead wrinkling. 

“I-” Nico felt his voice crack. He’d never be able to make it out of this situation without breaking down. And in that moment, Nico realized the reason he’d never told anyone about what happened. Because they’d look at him differently. Nico was strong, he was a manly man, and that’s how people saw him. He was confident. If he told Levi, he wouldn’t see him as his strong, confident boyfriend. He’d see him as that eleven year old kid who’d gotten hurt that one night. What he needed to do, what he hated to do, was to break Levi’s heart. Because Nico couldn’t tell him what happened, but he couldn’t keep lying to him. So the only thing he could do was let Levi out. “I’m ending things.” 

Levi furrowed his brows, and Nico immediately regretted saying that. Without saying another word, Levi started nodding and tears streamed down his cheeks. He sniffled and grabbed the doorknob, getting ready to leave, but stopped himself. “Can you tell me why?” He asked, not looking back at Nico. “Because I thought we were good. We’re engaged, and we.. we’re supposed to get married in two months, Nico.” He turned around and Nico saw how hurt he really was. Oh God. “Did something happen? Because I.. Everytime I told you about my doubts, you told me that I was crazy, but now you’re breaking up with me. And.. Oh God, all my doubts were true. I was right. I..” Levi’s sadness turned to anger. “You told me that we were good, you said you loved me and.. I gave you everything, and you’re doing this? That’s unfair. You don't.. You were my first love, my sunsword, my whole world, but you’re just breaking up with me?” He started crying again. He couldn’t say any more, so he left. 

Tears filled Nico’s eyes and he became angry with himself once more. He backed up into one of the racks, knocking some of the bins over. He groaned and rushed over to see what fell over. Scalpels covered the floor. He grabbed onto one of them and stood up. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror without seeing that eleven year old boy. Without seeing Levi. Link. Nicole. He couldn’t keep himself going. He’d burnt every bridge in his life, and now there was nothing holding him back. 

“You know what, I-” Levi walked back into the storage room, and noticed Nico standing there with the scalpel in his hand. Nico quickly turned around, he looked sick. “Nico?” Levi said in a quiet tone. He took a couple steps closer. Nico burst into tears, dropping the scalpel on the ground. “Oh, okay, okay. It’s okay, Nico.” Levi wrapped his arms around Nico, holding him tightly. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Nico pushed his face into Levi’s shoulder and sobbed, staining his scrub top. “I don’t wanna end things-” Levi shushed him and ran his hands up and down Nico’s back. They stood there for a few minutes. Nobody was speaking. The only sound was Nico’s heavy breaths as he cried. 

Nico let go of Levi and rubbed his face. “I should get back to my patients.” He said once he controlled his breathing again. “Sorry.” 

Before Nico could leave, Levi grabbed his hand and kept him close. “Nico, please, tell me what it is. We can work past it.” He held both of his hands and had a look of such sincerity on his face. “I love you. Nothing will ever change that.” 

And it was those words that made Nico really believe that he needed to say something. He couldn’t leave Levi in the dark about this. Nico nodded and closed his eyes. “Okay.” Nico leaned forward and kissed Levi. “I have been hiding something from you. But it wasn’t like I was trying to hide it from you, specifically. I hid it from myself. I shoved it down, and didn’t let myself think about it and I guess when Nicole came in.. everything sort of bubbled up to the surface?” Nico was aware that he was avoiding the point. He’d never tried to explain this to anybody. Nobody knew. Levi reached a hand up to Nico’s face, letting him know he could continue. He didn’t say anything, he knew Nico would need this moment to gather his thoughts. 

“When I was eleven, my parents threw this party for their anniversary. All their friends came, and there was drinking involved.. My aunts and uncles were there too, and I was having fun until I had to go to bed. One of my moms friends came to my room in the middle of the night. She was drunk, and..” Nico took a deep breath, his throat becoming dry. “She smelled like wine. She climbed into bed with me and touched me. I tried pushing her away, but she kept shushing me. Eventually she kissed me to get me to shut up.” 

Levi closed his eyes and shook his head. “Oh my God, Nico. I’m so sorry.” He whispered. 

“She kept saying it was our little secret. She left after ten minutes but.. God, it felt like hours. She wouldn’t stop. A-and I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn’t tell anyone because.. This doesn’t happen to guys. Everyone would laugh, or tell me to get over it.” He felt Levi’s arms wrap around him in a hug. “For years, I thought I was over it. I thought I was fine but clearly I’m not. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” 

“No, no, no. That’s not.. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Levi cupped Nico’s face and wiped away the tears that had streamed down. “I love you. I love you, I love you. And nothing is going to change that.” He kissed away Nico’s tears. “And I’m so sorry that happened to you. We can press charges-”

Nico shook his head. “It was over 20 years ago. There’s no point. And you know, I don’t think I need that but.. I already feel better.” He kissed Levi again. “I love you.” 

Levi gave him a sad smile but then let go of Nico. “I’m just.. I’m so angry. I wish I could turn back time, or that I was invited to that party or.. God, I just want her to pay. She doesn’t deserve to have the satisfaction that she did that to an eleven year old and got away with it! And you’re here, suffering, and-” Levi shook his head. “It’s not fair.” 

“No, you’re right, it isn’t.” Nico sort of felt helpless, but as long as he had Levi, he knew he could move past this. 

[LATER THAT WEEK] 

As Nicole was being signed out by Link, Nico knew he had to say something. The police had arrested her father, and he was found guilty of child endangerment and abuse. Nicole was healing from her injuries, and while she had a long way to go, she was going to get better. Luckily, her mother was a nurse at Mayo and could help her along with the physiotherapy. Nico made his way to Link and Nicole. “Hey, guys.” 

Nicole beamed up at him. “Thank you, for everything, Dr Kim.” She smiled from her wheelchair. “I’ve been pretty out of it all week and.. Uh, thank you.” She had tears in her eyes. 

Nico knelt down and smiled, resting his hands on the armrests of the chair. “I’d like to say the same thing.” Nicole seemed confused, and Nico continued. “You’ve done a lot for me. I admire your bravery in all of this, and you’ve inspired me. I won’t go into details, but you’ve helped me more than I can say. So.. Thanks.” 

“Well.. You’re welcome.” She leaned forward and hugged Nico. When they parted, Nicole’s mother thanked both Link and Nico, and they headed out. 

While alone, Nico took the opportunity to hug Link. Link took it by surprise but hugged him right back. They didn’t need to say anything to each other, it was a nice moment between two friends. Nico still hadn’t told anyone else as much as he had Levi, but Link knew bits and pieces. He was there for him and picked him up off the floor, quite literally, when he was at his lowest. “Thanks.” Nico whispered. They pulled apart. “Everything is still a mess, and I’m far from okay but.. I would’ve been worse if you hadn’t of found me, so thanks.” 

Link nodded and then looked past Nico. “There’s someone here for you.” Nico turned around and saw Levi standing there, a smile on his face. “I’ll leave you to it.” He patted Nico on the shoulder and left. 

Levi walked up to Nico and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “How are you?” 

“Better.” The two of them sat on nearby chairs. “I called my parents. Told them everything. They were surprised, and upset that I didn’t say anything earlier but.. They told me that they loved me. And that the woman who did it was long gone.” 

“Wait, she died?” Levi moved closer to Nico. 

Nico shook his head. “No, she’s in jail. She got arrested ten years ago. I guess she got caught doing the same thing to two other kids.” He let himself smile. “I don’t think I’m ready to fully come back to work, and I think I need to make an appointment with a counsellor but.. It feels like I can finally put this aside.” 

Levi smiled and hugged him again. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“If I.. if I get bad again, I’m sorry. If I say stuff, or if I act out-”

Levi cut him off by kissing him. “Anxiety is a bitch. I get it.” He kissed him again. “Your trauma does not define you, Nico. I know you’re afraid that this will make you seem weak, but babe.. This makes you so much stronger in my eyes. I can’t wait to be able to call you my husband. My strong, confident, capable husband.” 

[THAT NIGHT]

Nico found himself back in the forest. He knew it was a dream this time. The trees endless, and the sky brighter than ever. The figure was still hiding behind the trees. But this time, he could make out who the figure was. 

They walked forward. Black hair on the top of their head. He was small. He looked scared, and he was crying, but he had a smile on his face. Nico looked at the eleven year old version of himself. 

“You saved me.” Younger Nico said as he walked past him.

Just like before, rain started pouring down, and a sinkhole started to form underneath him again. But he didn’t get trapped. A hand reached out. The hand belonged to Levi. He held onto him and pulled him forward. 

When Nico woke up the next morning, he looked to his side and saw Levi sleeping peacefully beside him. Snoring quietly, his hand resting on Nico’s chest. And in that moment, Nico knew that although things were hard, they would get better. Things would be okay. Nobody could hurt him anymore. He had Levi. He had his friends. He could breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This piece took me a while to write, and I wanted to write it in a way that didnt demean or offend. Remember, you are not alone. If you are ever in a need to talk to someone, but you don't think you have anybody, just know that my DMs are always open.  
> <3


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